The past couple of months I’ve been working on setting boundaries. I am really not very good at doing this and basically want everyone I care about to be happy. I think it’s not uncommon for mums to find themselves in this situation, especially if they have children with additional needs. My 3 children all had significant challenges growing up ranging from depression, autism (and the unwillingness of the world to be a kind place to autistic people) to cancer and an especially nasty cancer causing genetic disorder.
I always saw it as my role to smooth things over, to make their life easier when at times it was far from it. Which of course is the right thing to do, but then I kept doing it not only for them but for well anyone I loved. I continually put myself last and well I found myself exhausted. Bone tired exhausted, regularly doing things for other people that actually they could do for themselves. I was the person who would say yes to everyone and bend over backwards to make everyone’s life easier.
You will think this is ridiculous, but it wasn’t till I started working with a counsellor dealing with some of the issues I have from childhood trauma and some of the awful years where my children were suffering that I realised this was a problem. Somewhere in my psyche I have a belief that in order to be loved I need to look after everyone. That unless I am making sure they are happy they won’t love me. Perhaps it stems from being years of being bullied, perhaps later years and bad relationships. I honestly don’t know. But it’s there as a belief and it’s one that I’m working with.
I started with family boundaries, allowing people to do things for themselves that they were more than capable of. There are people in my life who have significant struggles not all of which they can manage on their own I still help with areas they need. But I was taking on a lot that they are more than capable of and that was primarily my fault. I hadn’t set the boundaries for myself and felt my input was vital. The reasons of childhood cancer etc are more than understandable. But still that’s where I found myself, taking over when people didn’t actually need it.
But finding myself waking up at 5 am and not stopping till 8 pm was becoming unsustainable and I was just making myself miserable.
At 50 I am in a process of re-finding myself and allowing myself to come first sometimes. I was not just put on this earth to look after everyone else and nothing more than that. I deserve to explore my own joy and ambitions. I deserve to have time to read a book, relax in a bath or see friends. Other people deserve the chance to try and sometimes fail on their own and by doing so grow in the way we all have to.
That is a work in progress, saying no sometimes, and backing off when it’s not really my place to take responsibility.
The next set of boundaries I have started to set are with work. I am a self employed personal trainer which means everything is my responsibility from advertising to looking after equipment, keeping records on clients, planning and of course delivering the session. Not to mention the actual delivery of the session. For every hour taught there is another 20 to 30 minutes spent on setting the room up, then tidying it up, note making and planning.
After a month of a great deal of cancellations and numerous evenings on the phone re-arranging appointments I was talking to my counsellor who suggested that was another boundary I should set. He was of course right. I needed work boundaries. Just as I could not be there for family 24/7 I needed to have some stability in my working life. I previously had taught classes which is a very different way of working and not reliant on an individual in the same way. The transition into working out of a home gym means I am learning as I go along and I had not at the outset stated clear guidelines.
All of my clients are genuinely lovely people and likely hadn’t even thought about the issues it causes when there are a lot of cancellations especially last minute.
Before becoming self employed I did not realise the frustration of turning work away because I believed I was fully booked to have so many cancellations you lose a full day of work. I am a great deal more considerate now of my fellow self employed friends.
There’s the added complication that unlike a hairdresser or a beauty therapist for example I can’t fit in a new client ad hoc. To be able to see everyone in a given week I can only have a finite number of clients. Occasional clients isn’t really a thing in this line of work.
Any new client I take on is going to want regular sessions be it weekly or fortnightly.
I also want my little business to be as successful as possible and to be able to help as many people as possible in a given week.
My new rules then for work were
1. Not replying to messages after 6.30 pm
2. Instituting cancellation terms. Fairly standard ones nothing exciting.
3. If anyone really is unreliable let them go as a client.
I emailed everyone with my new terms and I immediately lost a couple of clients. Strangely they were clients who already did everything I had outlined in the cancellation terms, which really took me aback.
With both setting boundaries with family and with work there was a similar reaction, some people totally understood it. Others took it personally when it wasn’t.
As someone who struggles with setting boundaries any negative reaction is very tough, which is very much a me thing. It felt especially with loved ones like it reinforced my fear that to be loved I need to be forever available.
With family and friends I chose to focus on the people who loved me anyway, who offered to help me because they knew I was flat out busy. Who loved me regardless for who I am not what I do, even when I am too tired to have anything to give.
With clients it is a little more simple, they come and go it’s the nature of the business and I will always respect the choice of anyone who has decided it is no longer for them. Even if I will miss them.
When setting boundaries we do not control how the other person will react. That is an aspect of the process we need to accept.
Their reaction is their own and they absolutely have a right to it, that doesn’t mean it was wrong to set the boundary, although you may question yourself.
Each of us has a finite amount of energy and time to give to family, friends and work. Accepting that and working with it long term is to the benefit of everyone. None of us is a great deal of use if we are totally burned out and overwhelmed.
Now I have boundaries in place, as much in my mind as anywhere else I feel genuinely lighter and more optimistic for the future. I feel less like I am running to stand still and more like I can start to plan things to look forward to. It is never an easy thing to do, but if your lines are so blurred you don’t ever have time to yourself, time to relax or be open to plans and feel as though you exist for everyone else you may need to do the same.
Remember
- You are entitled to boundaries both in your private and work life. You are not here to look after everyone else at the expense of your own health.
- Not everyone will like it.
- You don’t control how anyone else reacts or views your decision.
- You may lose some people from your personal or professional life and not understand why.
- It is still worth setting the boundaries, once through the process of doing so your life will improve as a result. Likely your relationships will benefit due to this.
If you would like a female personal trainer in Alnwick Northumberland who is well versed in different types of training including working with health issues please get in touch.
I am also a qualified yoga teacher and Pilates instructor.
Sam Kelly Fitness 